Trash or Treasure?

A hint for parents, especially the mother of my children:

If you are throwing toys and or toy parts away, take the garbage bag outside after you toss the toys. I just spent 5 minutes explaining why The Talker's party hats were in the trash and why the hotwheel carwash was under them.

And the Power Ranger's motorcycle underneath that? It almost caused the four year old to have a stroke. Until I agreed that it would get a reprieve.

I feel like the govenor, granting clemency to old toys. Wait a minute, I am in Texas. Our govenors don't do that...

I bet I opened a can of worms

When I was cruising the neighborhood, checking out every one else's junk piles, I found a treasure. A real work of art.

An 18 inch by 36 inch painting of a nude woman. On black velvet. It was sitting against the mailbox at a really nice house. And she was facing the street in all her velvety glory.

So I grabbed that painting and have now displayed it over at Law Talking Guy's house. It is hanging on his outdoor lamp, between the garage doors. Displayed like the fine piece of art that it is.

I mean, really, I would not want to mess it up. 'Cause I'll likely be seeing it again. Soon.

A riddle for you... Ewww, YUCK!

What do you get when you cross a Ford minivan going 78 miles an hour down the interstate and an 80 pound pitbull walking across the same interstate at the same time?

Nothing good for the dog, I tell ya.

And it did not do the underside or the rear of the minivan any good either.

Dog, dead. Several times over
Rear bumper cover, split in two
Rear window, splattered
Undercarriage dented and yucky
Children, wife and teen passengers, grossed out

Gotta love a good road trip.

Wow!

I can't believe that it has been this long since I had something to bitch or whine about. Actually, I have planned on putting several things over here, but I haven't taken the time.

So the short versions follow:

I have a new nemesis in the hood. Actually two nemises, (Or is it nemisi?) Two little pricks who drie like crap through the neighborhood and like threatening people with baseball bats.

And the other major issue in my life right now... I hate Christmas music. And anyone who likes Christmas music.

Especially if you like Christmas music, can't drive worth a damn and are a high school football player whose little chump twin brother likes to threaten neighbors with baseball bats.

By the way, I really do like people who like Christmas music. And I can even listen to Christmas music, but not until December 23rd.

High school aged jerks with bats? Never liked 'em. Never will.

I am thankful for...

having an hour to waste on Tuesday morning. And for lousy customer service agents. They give me a target for all of my ire and hate. And I got a lot to go around...

It all started last weekend when I killed my cell phone by dropping it off of a fishing pier. Not surprisingly, after I fished it off of the bottom with a net, it would not work. I have been wanting a new phone anyways, so I wasn't too upset.

We keep the cell phone for emergencies and so that I have a way to contact The Boss Lady while the kids and I are out running around. In more than a year and a half we have only talked on the thing like 500 minutes. It lives in the diaper bag most of the time. And frequently goes missing for days at a time. We are not tied too tightly to this phone. So we use a prepaid service.

We have always been pleased with Tracfone. When we got it, the phone came with a year's service and about 40 minutes of talk time. We put a couple of hundred minutes on it back then and the time lasted us the entire year. In March we bought another year of service and about 300 minutes. In all of that time, we had no missed calls and no dropped calls, so what more do we need?

But when I killed the phone we still had about 75 minutes on the phone. According to Paul in customer service, they could not verify the time, so they would only give me 10 minutes for activating my new phone. But I could keep the last 4 months of my year of service. He was not rude, just not allowed to solve my problem. When I asked to speak to a supervisor, he offered me 30 minutes and the remaining service time. No deal.

Then Paul asked if I would settle for 75 minutes and the months. Yes, we have a deal, Paul. But after I agreed, he transferred me to a supervisor anyways. I waited on hold for 20 more minutes but Florence, the supervisor, would not agree to credit the 75 minutes, only the 30, and I would need to buy another year of service immediately.

And she called me a liar. Said that her employee never agreed to anything of the sort. And if said he did, then he was lying, too. This was her only offer, take it or leave it.

Hey Florence, you stupid bitch, no deal.

So I demanded my case number and asked to speak to her supervisor. I was pretty sure she would hang up on me, so if I had a decent case number, maybe I would not have to wait so long on a follow up call.

20 minutes later, the manager, Maria and I had another deal. And after I spent another 10 minutes explaining that I did not like being called a liar by her employee, she gave us a little bit of extra time. We now have the remainder of our year of service and 90 minutes of talk time.

So I spent 55 minutes on the phone. I got my time and service back and 15 extra minutes. I figure the time cards cost about $40 for 80 minutes, so even though it was a hassle, it was worth it. And I bet we won't use all of this time beore we have to buy more time in March.

So now, if I ever go to New Delhi I'll have cell service to call and get bail money. Because if I go to New Delhi and I run into Florence, I'm kicking her ass. And maybe Paul will help me.

Words to live by...

A neighbor gave me a copy of this. It is now hanging over the workbench...

Troubleshooting Flowchart

Don't look if strong language offends you. But if it does, you probably have not been out in my garage while I am troubleshooting...

Hundreds of years of technological development. For THIS?

The Infinite Cat Project

Just click on NEXT Cat on the upper right of the screen. You'll see.

Want more info? Here is their main page.


For the record, I stopped after 27 cats. Or was it 127?

Anyways, there are currently 1069 pictures added...

The value of i

This morning on the news, they flashed a headline "Hillary Clinton Indicted". That got my attention quickly.

Turns out they were reporting that Hillary Clinton had been inducted into some organization, not indicted.

Oops. So much for spell cheek.


Full disclosure, I did spell check this entry... It is supposed to be irony

It was something...

I saw or heard something today that was either hilarious or stupid or ironic or just plain dumb enough that I planned to blog about it here.

But I forgot what it was. If you remember, let me know.

Rebate Schmeebate

I swear I will never again be fooled by rebate prices. You know, when a retail store marks an item with the shelf price, minus the mail in rebate, and the price in an unbelievably great deal?

I have never been screwed by one of these deals. I have always gotten the rebate. Eventually.

I am now into my 10th week of waiting for a $50 rebate on a computer hard drive. They ask customers to wait 8 weeks for the refund. So I have now called the 1800 customer service line and used their web based tracking system. They all say the same thing "In Processing". Just like they told me two weeks ago.

Today though, I got an email directly from a customer service rep at the company. The way the email was written, I think it was an actual person sending it, not a computer generated response to my inquiry. And now she say that they have only had the request for 6 weeks. Isn't it funny that I mailed it less than 500 miles and it took 20 days to get to them? I have never ticked off my mail man, so I don't think it actually took that long.

But believe me, Annette, in customer service will be getting a lot of email from me in a couple of weeks if the rebate isn't here, soon. It might even be worth her sending me a $50 personal check, just to get me to go away.

Again?

The kids are watching Barney. I am getting the house and yard ready for a playdate. When I walked in the house, the Barney kids were singing a song. I only heard a few lines, but it must've been a great song.

"Let's have an intervention
We will find a good snack there."

When I asked The Talker, he said they were singing about "Going to the kitchen."

Yeah right. I am sure they were about to confront the kids with glasses about his meth addiction.

The Talker makes a good point, though. The kids were all wearing chef's hats. And no one has ever worn one of those at any of my interventions.

Stick THIS!

You've seen the stickers on the back of minivans, right? The ones that identify the driver's progeny by first name and by whatever activity they excel in. Sometimes the have a team logo or a uniform number...

Anyways, I have always thought they are a little pretentious and snotty. Why else would they only be on SUVs and minivans? And yes, I know there are several of these stickers in my extended family. Tough titty. I've made fun of my relatives for less...

So tonight I saw the highest form of sticker snobbery. A green SUV with two stickers. One on each side of the read window. In the shape of dog bones.

I swear. Outlines of dog bones with the pooch's name inside. One bone read Jake, the other, Sadie. Maybe they do have dog faced kids with canine names?

Who gives a good dog damn what your ugly mutts names are? I've got a freaking registered something or other dog that we paid way too much for. He still chews my shoes and digs up the backyard. Who cares?

Nobody cares. That's who.

Now if Jake and Sadie join the Baseball Team or the High School Marching Band Tuba section, put that on your window. 'Cause that, I'd want to know about.

Every good marriage needs a soundtrack... (or a laughtrack)

It's The Little Things by Robert Earl Keen
From the album, The Party Never Ends


It's the way you stroke my hair while I am sleepin'
It's the way you tell me things I don't know
It's the way you remember I came home late for dinner
Eleven months and fourteen days ago

CHORUS

It's the little things the little bitty things
Like the way that you remind me I've been growin soft
It's the little things the itty bitty things
It's the little things
That piss me off

It's the note that you leave on the breakfast table
With a list of things to help me plan my day
It's the way you say we could have If you'd done the things you should have
It's the little things Darlin that make me feel this way

CHORUS

It's the little things the little bitty things
like the way that you remind me I've been growin soft
It's the little things the itty bitty things
It's the little things
That piss me off

Got a Monkey on my Back...

I swear I just heard Boots the Monkey yell "Rehab" when Dora was singing the Where are We Going song.

You know the song,

Where are we going?

Rehab!


And yes, I did come back to this post and change the title. This one is much better than the original, Hello, Hallucinations...

ADHDaddy Farm and Ranch Realty Co.

This morning we were driving past a thrift store. On the front of the store they had a banner that read "Putting People to Work".

So that got me thinking of a way to restate that sentiment. Then I got bored and decided on a great sign for a real estate company, specifically one that specializes in farm and ranch land... "Putting People Out to Pasture".

I thought it was funny. The wife thought it was funny. But know that only a few minutes later I told The Boss Lady that I was so hungry "I could eat my own left tit".

Take that as you wish.

Wanna see DeeDee Doodle unmasked?

Trish, over at Gibble Gobber Nabber Gabber has a picture posted. She has a picture of Moe without makeup, too.

Why do I care? I don't know. But I do.

Just so you can see them for yourself, here is a link to The Doodlebop's website.

Do you ever

Look closely at the other people and cars in traffic? I do. It is one of my hobbies, since I don't keep a CD player, DVD player or cell phone in the car. And all of those days of peeping into other cars really paid off today.

A dark green Chrysler minivan was passing us on the freeway. The Boss Lady and I first noticed the big bottle of rum sitting on a pile of stuff on the passenger's front seat. Then there was the milk jug on the back seat with a hand written label on it that said 'Holy Water'. And to top it all off, on the back window was a big sticker of the Grim Reaper.

We tried to come up with good reasons for this scene beside us but we finally just decided to slow down and let that dude pass us on by. Especially after we spotted the statuette of The Virgin Mary,wearing a huge pile Mardi Gras beads, riding shotgun, right next to the bottle of rum.

It's No Big Deal...

The 3 year old son was getting a reward this afternoon. He did a great job helping gather toys for donation to a charity thrift store. So I thought a long ride in the truck would be super-special.

On the way home he told me "I want a special surprise, this is just a ride in the truck."

3 months of work on the old rig, wasted.

I suspect it's not just the ladies...

Well I got my first truck, when I was three,
Drove a hundred thousand miles on my knees
Hauled marbles and rocks, and thought twice before
I hauled a Barbie Doll bed for the girl next door
When she paid me with a kiss I began to understand,
There's just something women like about a PickUp Man

When I turned sixteen, I saved a few hundred bucks
My first car was a Pickup Truck
Started cruisin' the town and the first girl I seen
Was Bobbie Jo Gentry the homecoming queen
She flagged me down and climbed up in the cab, and said
"I never knew you were a Pickup Man!"

A bucket of rust, or a brand new machine
Once around the block and you'll know what I mean

You can set my truck on fire, roll it down a hill
But I still wouldn't trade it for a Coupe DeVille
It's got an eight foot bed that never has to be made
You know if it weren't for trucks we wouldn't have tailgates
I met all my wives in traffic jams,
You know there's something women like about a Pickup Man

Pickup Man, as sung by Joe Diffe

At least two family members have gotten rid of pickup trucks this month. Do they think that Marge is going to be theirs to borrow when they want to move? Maybe so. Or maybe they know my truck is cooler than theirs and they just decided to let me reign as the family Pickup Man.

Well, that would be Pickup Man, Jr., since Dad has no plans to get rid of his truck. And remember, when it comes time to move, HIS truck has an automatic transmission AND air conditioning...

It's Not MY Bedtime

I hardly ever put the kids to bed. Once The Boss Lady gets in from work, we eat dinner and play with the kids for a while or we go run some errands, then I usually hide out for a little while during bath and bedtime.

So tonight I have gotten my ass handed to me by a three year old who has memorized mommy's routine and only wants it that way. Actually, he went down pretty easily compared to Little Sister, who either is too tired and can't settle down or is teething or dinner upset her stomach or she wants more milk or the tv is too loud in the other room or the dogs are barking outside or it is too light to go to bed...

I don't have a clue. But I guarantee this ain't the first time for that.