Wow, these spammers really know me!

I just got this email in my spam box.

Congratulations on your Nomination to Distinguished Professionals!

M,

Congratulations!

It is my pleasure to inform you that on January 15th, 2009 your professional information was reviewed and accepted for inclusion in the 2010 edition of our Distinguished Professionals Hardcover Publication.

Distinguished Professionals recognizes and selects key executives & professionals in all disciplines and industries for outstanding business achievements.

This recognition is shared by those who have reached the highest level of success in their chosen profession.

Please take a moment to complete the invitation by clicking on the link below.

Wow! Who knew I was such a distinguished stay at home dad? All you working stiffs are welcome to come over and bask in my greatness.

The history of an economic collapse, maybe...

I just received a notice in the mail, advertising closeout deals at our nearby Saturn dealership. No big surprise, since we have bought two cars there in the last 4 years.

But I just had to laugh out loud at their tag line, "Own a Piece of History". Seems like one last, pretentious blurb from an already too pretentious car line that never lived up to it's potential...

"Just put that anywhere..."

It's an old joke that I yell out anytime I hear the great crash of plates and dishes come from a restaurant kitchen.

Here is another good joke.

Want to know what happens when a 6 pack of Shiner Bock comes rolling out of the 'fridge and meets the concrete floors in my kitchen? Beer Flood!

The house now smells like a mix of generic Lysol, good beer and Swiffer wets. Good times! And don't forget to wear shoes when you go in the kitchen.

3 days until payday

And we are out of margarita mix, limes AND tequila.

C'Mon Friday!

Why Moms are better than Dads.

They have this. Which is definitely NOT safe for work, church, toddlers or the elderly...



And we got this. Which is just painful, really.



Of course, we have this one, too. Which is better. But you could watch with your grandma during a Bible study.





The Mommy video needed a warning. How cool is that?

Girls rule the internetz.

I must have a magic ass

I swear (I really do. You should hear me when the lawn mower won't start...) my rear end must be wired into the telephone system somehow.

For the second time today, just as my butt was hitting the couch for a couple of minutes of reading, the phone rang. I am starting to wonder if someone is watching me through the windows and making the phones ring when my seat finally finds a seat.

Once more, with FEELING, dumb ass!

I have blogged elsewhere about the way the idiots drive near my kid's school. Of course, that was two years ago and things change, right?

Yeah. not so much.

People, I cannot stress this enough... Don't drive like a stupid bastard around a school!

This morning, after I had safely deposited my kids at their classes, I was heading out to the car when I was dang near run over by a parent who was running late. All I got out of the Toyota driving tool was "Oh, sorry, got a little close, eh?"

I stopped the dad and tried my best to explain that although I would not be happy if he had run me over in the parking lot, his whole life would be turned upside down if he killed a kid in the school parking lot simple because he thought driving 45 through there was a good way to save a few minutes in the morning routine. And I only called him a "dumb ass" once!

I am not sure he got it. But I guarantee I'll be watching out for him to do some stupid crap like that again. I was still pissed and his kid was now late for class, so I decided to let it go.

As I was hopping in my car I heard the tell-tale crunch of sheet metal meeting harder metal. Nice! Luckily the parking lot was empty when a stupid prick decided to back out without looking and she rammed her Honda into a big steel basketball pole that sits in the middle of the parking lot.

Nice! Why don't you look before backing up, dumb ass...

Yes, the basketball pole is in the middle of the parking lot. But it has been there for years. And by the scratches along the pole it has withstood a lot of cars bouncing off of it. Actually, last year someone knocked the pole and backboard down. That must have been a helluva hit from a big ass SUV. But I was thrilled that the church who owns the parking lot put the goal back in place a few days later. And they used MORE concrete this time. So I doubt it will fall soon...

To summarize, no kids were harmed in the making of the parking lot fiasco this morning. But I figure at this rate the dumb asses will win and someone will kill a kid before semester break. So from now on, save the driving like a complete moron for the highways. Let the kids get to school without fearing for their lives, OK?

You do that and I will stop calling you a "dumb ass".

Deal?